On Being Too Nice...

Today I am thankful for:  lovely weather, a nice day with my kiddos, lunch at Rubio's, a quiet shopping trip to Sprouts, making it to dance early, having Josh home for dinner, coconut-pecan cookies (from Sprouts--definitely going to have to make my own!), a new pasta recipe for dinner, quiet time after dinner to read and pray.

I'm working on my people-skills.  I'm probably nice to a fault, ready to make friends with anyone and believe the best about them; someone once said regarding a mutual co-worker, "Alicia doesn't even like her and that means something!"  So what people skills do I need to work on?  Well, I'm an introvert in nature.  I hate making small-talk and I am very uncomfortable in large group situations, even when I know the guests.  I can put on a happy face, smile and laugh, engage in conversation and end up having a really good time...or not; either way, I end up both exhilerated and exhausted.  There's got to be a reason I'm so easily intimidated and shy.  Can't think of a good one, yet, but I'm sure it's there!  In any case, I am working on being more open and available to friends.  I'd really love nothing more than to hide at home all the time, yet there's a big part of me that yearns to be around others.  It's really an odd thing.

In reading Proverbs 12 tonight I came across a verse that made me pause and reflect.  Proverbs 12:18 "There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise will promote health."  I think I'm afraid of those piercing tongues (not to be confused with tongue-piercings, lol!).  This isn't to say that I never fall into the description of the former, or that I even consider myself "wise" like the latter.  Something in my nature is afraid of confrontation of any kind; I sort of freeze and don't know what to do when I'm personally being confronted, whether justly or not.  I flush beet red and feel the heat radiating from my cheeks; I shake and tremble and go numb in my brain.  I simply do not know what to say.  The same thing happens when I'm the offended party and need to stand up.  I'm a wimp.  It could be something simple like being overcharged for something minor on a restaurant bill; I hate pointing out others' mistakes!

This is where I really feel convicted by this verse.  I know I should always watch what I say, even what I think, about others.  That's easy; obviously, I'd much rather think nice thoughts and use kind words, though I need to make sure I'm being honest in how I interact with others.  I also know that when I do need to stand up for something, I pour on the sweetness and try to be as gentle as possible--I never want anyone to know that I'm angry, and there's never really any excuse for yelling at or belittling someone even when their treatment of you is less than stellar.  The truth for me is in "promoting health" with my words; I need to realize that sometimes I have to step up and speak up rather than allow a wrong to continue.  There are times I need to say something, to highlight a mistake or wrong-doing on someone else's part for everyone's benefit.  I tend to let things fester inside me when I could cut it out and heal by saying something.

What's even more convicting and more difficult for me is stepping up and speaking up on someone else's behalf.  There have been experiments conducted where people behave very badly in common areas to test public reaction.  I read those and immediately know what should be done; but would I do it?  I think of the parable of the good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37) and I wonder what I would have done.  I would have had no trouble aiding that poor man as the Samaritan did, but what would I have done if I had come upon him as the thieves were beating him?  I'm sure if I came upon something similar in today's world I'd call the authorities--easier than in the 1st century.  But there are times where taking a stand is a more nebulous affair; maybe the offending parties aren't necessarily breaking the law or causing physical harm.  It could be a disagreement between friends or family, a complete stranger behaving rude towards someone or being careless.  Do I have the strength and courage to promote health in that situation?  To speak up in encouragement of another and to rebuke one who is being hurtful?  See, when I read this verse I know that I need to guard my own tongue, but there are times when promoting health means being bold and saying something--raising a shield to those piercing tongues!

Father, I really need Your help!  It means nothing at all to have the wisdom to bring change, to bring resolution, if I do not act in love.  Help me to trust You more, to have a deeper faith that replaces the fear I experience in certain situations.  As You show me how to love, help me to be bolder, to be stronger for the sake of others around me!  Lord Jesus I pray that You teach me how to speak in a way that promotes health to others and myself--I really need to learn to see others through Your eyes so that I can be effective as a friend and ally.  I pray that I might see my own weaknesses and confess the sins of selfishness that are keeping my light from glowing as bright as You want it to.  Help me to grow, help me to love, and help me to shine!  In Jesus' sweet name, Amen!  

The Heart of the Matter

Today I am thankful for:  a good night's sleep, cuddling in bed as a family this morning, getting through my first kettlebell workout, naps for Moo and me, working on a puzzle with Darrin, my dad being released from the hospital.

Ezekiel 36:26-27 "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.  I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them."  Today I am so glad that God has promised to help me walk in His ways.  There are days where it's just so hard to maintain the 24/7 commitment I made to Him--I'm tired, I want to justify the little things so they don't seem like big, bad things; other things and people seem to need my attention more than God does.  Really?  I guess that's the good thing about God helping me out--when I have one of my "moments" I stop and think to myself that God doesn't "need" my attention, He wants it!  He lovingly demands it!  When I'm able to set myself aside and spend some time in His presence, all other things are made right; circumstances might not change much, but my Lord helps me to see them with the eyes of my new heart.  When I've spent time in His Word and in prayer, the flurry of activity doesn't seem like such a flurry anymore.  I can think, I can respond, and I can get over myself.  God knows I can't do this alone, and He never promised that I'd have to.

The first verse above (Ezekiel 36:26) is cool because He said He'd remove our hearts of stone and give us hearts of flesh.  Our hearts of stone were immune to Him, refusing to see life His way and unable to praise Him.  A heart of flesh can feel, hurt, bleed; it cannot survive on it's own for it is in constant need of oxygen and clear pathways.  We are so prone to screwing things up, to being selfish, and that just leads to problems! But God said He'd help us.  If He helps us walk in His ways, then He will help us keep our hearts in good working order, too.  And whaddya know?  If we walk in His ways then our hearts will stay clean!

My heart aches tonight for those still walking around with hearts of stone.  The saddest part is that they don't even know it!  I'm always amazed at the anger these stony hearts are bearing; when confronted with a heart of flesh they lash out and have to do their best to tear it apart.  Very few people with stony cores can just say, "Keep on keeping on, Christian; I disagree, but we all do what we feel is right."  Many of them have to mock, scorn, and rip apart the sinews of that fleshy heart...but to what purpose?  Seems to me that while a broken heart of flesh can be healed, a broken heart of stone is forever cracked and splintered.  Unfortunately, those stony hearts out in the world are probably used to coming up against the stony hearts that are in the church; what a sad, sad situation.  Wherever they reside, all these stony hearts need to be transplanted and renewed by the Great Physician, Himself.  If I truly walk in His ways with His help, then my heart will continually be renewed and maybe that will allow me to reach out to someone with a stony core and provide love and refreshment rather than pain; and just maybe that person will one day yearn for a new heart, too.

Thank You, Daddy, for helping me to do the things You've called me to do.  Thank You for helping me and for always being beside me.  I am overjoyed that I am never alone!  Help me to do these things for Your sake, not my own.  I pray that others might see You when they see me, and that they would be encouraged and know that You are searching for them, calling to them, wanting to love them and bless them.  Help me to stand firm and not wilt in the face of hostility; though I cannot and will not argue with one who wishes to defame You and mock us both, help me to keep heart and rest on the assurance of my faith in You so that I can show love.  Put me places and situations where I can be of use to You, and help me to always know that You are with me and guiding me.  I praise You for You are holy and just, and You love us though we are so broken and worthless!  Glory, to You, Lord!  Praise and honor are Yours alone!  In Jesus' name, Amen!

Turn and Live

Today I am thankful for: Darrin doing well meeting his goals at speech, reading stories to Moo in the waiting room at Lucid, being able to help out at produce day for our co-op, fresh fruits and veggies, the kids having fun at the park, visiting with Kary, enjoying dinner at home with my family, my babies' smiles, kisses from my hubby.

I'm reading in Ezekiel and came to chapter 18 tonight.  It made me think.  I've long pondered things such as what the lukewarm church would look like and where it would come from; I've begun to notice the past few years that it is forming right now here in America, also around the world.  It seems that so many churches are compromising the integrity of their faith by becoming "tolerant" and expanding their views, adding interpretation to biblical truths that shouldn't require any.  It's really frightening and disheartening to witness.  No one wants to think about people going to hell, but to broaden your congregation by tolerating certain sins as acceptable or saying that all roads lead to God and heaven doesn't save anyone from a rather warm fate, least of all the church leaders encouraging their wannabe saints.

Church is definitely a place for the broken.  God doesn't call only "good" or righteous people to His fold--in fact we are told that none of us is good, that Jesus Himself is the only truly good person to walk the earth.  Believers should be welcoming people from all walks of life to join each Sunday in a great sinners' convention meeting--for when it comes down to it, we are all the same.  Each of us is a sinner, no one better or worse that another.  Some might be in a better place of admitting their sin and choosing to love God and please Him, thereby appearing to be "better" or "nicer" than others.  Some might be lost and broken, complete messes wandering in society or maybe even incarcerated.  But at the heart of it all, we are ALL sinners, broken by choices to please ourselves and left with God-sized holes in our hearts.

The problem with society, especially in America, is that we want to qualify ourselves--well, at least I don't smoke, or I've never killed anyone, or I don't steal, or I don't let my children watch t.v all day long, I don't, I don't, I don't.  Our "I don'ts" don't mean much to God because when we are too busy looking around at others to compare ourselves with we take our eyes off Him.  We forget that Jesus is the standard, HE is the mark by which we are all judged.  And what does "sin" mean?  It means to miss the mark.  Sin isn't just about doing wrong things, it's about not doing the right things.  So there thousands of church-goers warming pews each week, patting themselves on the back for being "Christian" because they give money and sit quietly and get through the week without harming anyone; they aren't doing anything wrong.  But what aren't they doing right?

This, I believe is the foundation of the lukewarm church.  People have lost touch with God and are more concerned about what people think, about keeping up appearances.  God doesn't care what you look like; He sees your heart.  These people are probably so deluded by being what a Christian isn't, that they have forgotten what being a Christian is.  This bring me back to my opening paragraph.  God laid out His statutes so plainly for His people that there was no excuse not to follow them.  They weren't easy, but they had a purpose.  Once Jesus came and died for our sins then conquered death through His resurrection, we simply had to choose to love Him and grow to be more like Him in all ways...ALL ways.  You can't claim to be a follower of Christ and not love, but you also can't ignore the things He spoke against.  People today don't want to say "no" to anything; they are afraid of standing for something and saying it's wrong--it's just so much easier to say that everything is right as long as no one gets hurt!  They claim that God is unfair and a "loving God" wouldn't condemn people to hell just for disagreeing with Him.

God is holy..HOLY.  He created the world, so I think He has a right to dictate it's rules to keep things in order.  He gave us free will to make our own choices, though He wants us to choose to love Him.  If we were forced to love Him, then that wouldn't really be love at all, right?  The fact is, God doesn't necessarily send us to hell, but we choose to go there by rejecting Him and disobeying Him.  Parents often tell their children that there are consequences to their actions, and that when a negative consequence ensues the child, in effect, "chose" it; afterall, the parents set the rules and they are pretty clear.  If you want happy consequences, do this; negative consequences, do that.  Society isn't any different, and when someone breaks a law we generally are pretty unsympathetic; he knew what he was doing, right?  He knew what would happen!  God tells us the same thing.  Ezekiel 18:25-29 "Yet you say, 'The way of the Lord is not fair.' Hear now, O house of Israel, is it not My way which is fair, and your ways which are not fair? When a righteous man turns away from his righteousness, commits iniquity, and dies in it, it is because of the iniquity which he has done that he dies.  Again, when a wicked man turns away from the wickedness which he committed, and does what is lawful and right, he preserves himself alive.  Because he considers and turns away from all the transgressions which he committed, he shall surely live; he shall not die.  Yet the house of Israel says, 'The way of the Lord is not fair.'  O house of Israel, is it not My ways which are fair, and your ways which are not fair?"

God isn't hard and unyielding, He's holy and the epitome of integrity.  He set a standard we can't meet, but He pours out grace upon us and has made a way for us to have a reward we don't deserve.  The beautiful thing is that He loves us and wants us to choose Him!  He gave us a choice, but He certainly has a preference for what choice we make.  I know my God is a God of love because He set boundaries for us, clear expectations for living.  And, like our earthly parents, He corrects us for our own good when we go astray.  When parents say "this hurts me more than it hurts you" it's really true; it hurts to be disrespected and disobeyed by someone you would give your life for, and it hurts to have to inflict pain upon that person even though she deserves it as a consequence of her actions.  God said something similar to Ezekiel: "'Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, every one according to his ways,' says the Lord God. 'Repent, and turn from all your transgressions, so that iniquity will not be your ruin. Cast away from you all the transgressions which you have committed, and get yourselves a new heart and a new spirit.  For why should you die, O house of Israel?  For I have no pleasure in the death of one who dies,' says the Lord God.  'Therefore turn and live!'" (Ezekiel 18:30-32)


Father God, I thank You that I was taught of Your great love for me, that the fear I have for You is out of respect and not pain.  I am so thankful that I turned away from my transgressions and chose life over death!  Thank You for every person You set in my path that showed me the meaning of love by accepting who I was and teaching me how to reconcile that with Your plan for me.  You made me!  You created every aspect of my very being, and it is so amazing to finally be realizing my purpose, though I won't understand everything all at once.  For now it is enough to know that I can rejoice in my own self because You made me; I can have joy in reaching my full potential because I desire to glorify You.  Help me to focus on what You WANT me to be, and not on what You don't want me to be.  By being more like You I will be able to let go of those things that are undesirable.  Help me to love others with Your compassion and Your intensity.  Help me to show them their value and accept them where they are and however they are so that the door is opened for Your Holy Spirit to do It's transforming work!  Break my heart for what breaks Your own heart, Jesus!  And please help me to act on that love.  Thank You for Your amazing grace.  Praise be to You alone!  In Jesus' name, Amen!

A Love Like No Other

Today I am thankful for: hearing my daughter beg me for her schoolwork, both kiddos eating great at their meal times, how well my babies play with other kiddos they don't know, watching Madi at dance, they way Darrin's imagination is growing and growing in his playtime, being able to talk to my mom, knowing God hears my prayers and answers them, being able to keep in touch with my hubby throughout the day, the men who've gone to visit my dad and pray with him.

Tonight I read Ezekiel 16 and was really struck by the imagery used to describe God's relationship with Israel.  Israel is depicted as an unwanted baby girl tossed into a field to die of exposure, her umbilical cord still attached and not even cleaned from birth.  She was so despised by her parents she was immediately discarded!  But God came along and rescued her and caused her to thrive; as she grew she became very beautiful.  Later they are joined in a covenant like marriage and He bathed her and anointed her and adorned her from head to foot in fine linen, sandals, and jewels; she is described as "exceedingly beautiful" and her fame spread out to other nations "for [your beauty] was perfect through My splendor which I had bestowed on you" (Ezekiel 16:14).

We are nothing without God!  We are weak and helpless, dirty and without hope.  God is there waiting--He sees us!--and He wants to clean us up and breathe life into us; He wants us to thrive and become exceedingly beautiful!  What do we need to do to earn a love like that?  Nothing!  We need to accept that He loves us and pledge our love to Him in return--that's all!  But there's more...

"But you trusted in your own beauty, played the harlot because of your fame, and poured out your harlotry on everyone passing by who would have it." (Ezekiel 16:15) How often do we go through a period of blessing and forget that our blessings are not our own but from our Lord?  We begin to relax and think we are invincible; we begin to fall into sinful habits that are ultimately destructive to ourselves and our relationships with others.  We give into our own wantonness and become consumed with self-gratification and selfishness.  There is really no particular reason why we walk away from God; He hasn't done anything to cause it.  The fault lies entirely with us.  Israel began to form alliances with other countries for protection when God had promised her everything--she had no need of protection or goods from others for He had provided in abundance.  She was simply choosing to disobey God's law.

When we begin to trust in ourselves and turn away from God, we may feel as though things are under control and we aren't doing anything wrong.  But before long, we begin to feel that separation from God; an emptiness grows and we look for things to fill it with.  Ezekiel 16:32 "You are an adulterous wife who takes strangers instead of her husband."  Because we do not feel close to God we may feel ashamed and hide from Him; we continue to justify our actions and venture further down a lonely, rocky path.  We make ourselves vulnerable to others, to our chosen vices.  All of a sudden we realize we are out of control, at the mercy of whatever comes our way.  We lack the strength to fend off attacks; we are broken and humiliated. Israel was invaded and attacked by those she sought alliances with, those who had traded with her and promised to protect her.

According to old testament law, adultery was punishable by stoning.  An unfaithful wife deserved to be humiliated, degraded in public and stoned to death for breaking her covenant with her husband.  We suffer the consequences of our actions.  God is holy and righteous, yet He loves us unconditionally.  That doesn't mean we aren't ever punished; Proverbs 3:11-12 says "My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor detest His correction; For whom the Lord loves, he corrects, just as a father the son in whom he delights."  Israel broke it's covenant with God and forsook Him over and over and over again.  God was justifiably angry with His people and brought punishment on Israel for its sin, but He also yearned for them to see the folly of their ways and return to Him.  When they did, He forgot the past and poured out His blessing upon them once more.  Ezekiel 16:60 "Nevertheless I will remember My covenant with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish and everlasting covenant with you."

How many spouses are able to move through the anger and hurt to a place where they can extend grace to the partner that committed adultery?  How many marriages reconcile and seek healing after a breach of vows?  How many people can look past the pain to the One who can bring healing and learn to forgive?  We are so stubborn and prideful!  If we can just get over ourselves and see that it isn't about "us" we see that our Creator, our Savior us standing there with arms wide open waiting to take us back!  He wants to be with us!  He isn't waiting to rub our noses in our messes.  He isn't going to throw our mistakes in our faces every so often just to shame us into being faithful to Him.  He pours His grace over us and lavishes us with love causing our dirty, broken selves to be whole and beautiful once more.  He wants our eyes to look forward with hope and trust, not backward with guilt and shame.

I'm currently reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan--and I highly recommend it, even though I'm not even halfway through.  As I read earlier tonight the following passage really hit home with me:

A Strange Inheritance

The very fact that a holy, eternal, all-knowing, all-powerful, merciful, fair, and just God loves you and me is nothing short of astonishing.

     The wildest part is that Jesus doesn't have to love us.  His being is utterly complete and perfect, apart from humanity.  He doesn't need me or you.  Yet He wants us, chooses us, even considers us His inheritance (Eph. 1:18).  The greatest knowledge we can ever have is knowing God treasures us.

     That really is amazing beyond description.  The holy Creator sees you as His "glorious inheritance."

     The irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don't really want Him most of the time.  He treasures us and anticipates our departure from this earth to be with Him--and we wonder, indifferently, how much we have to do for Him to get by.

God's greatest gift to us was His Son, Jesus.  His second greatest gift is His very word, the Bible.  If we are honest and read through it, it's nearly impossible to ignore the goodness and faithfulness of our loving God.  If we keep our minds and hearts open to His words, we'll find He's speaking directly to us telling us time and again that it doesn't matter how much we mess up; He created us and loves us and wants us to be with Him.  He sent His son to bear the weight of our sins because our human frailty could never be subjected to the punishment we are due.  He loves us that much!!  We are adulterous wives, deserving of degradation and death, and yet He wants to clean us up, build us up, and continue with us in an everlasting covenant.  Where else are we going to find a love like that?

Father, thank You for loving me!  Thank You for being my Rock, for standing firm when I'm caught up in the tide.  It is so amazing that You love me despite my faults and weaknesses.  You know me better than even I do for You formed me and knew me even before conception.  You knew my mistakes before I made them, and yet you brought me life and loved me anyway.  Help me to see myself through Your eyes so that I might see my value and yearn to please You and never hide myself from You.  Thank You for correcting me when I begin to go astray so that I remember to look back and see You and run to You.  Thank You for wanting me whole and unhurt, and thank You for healing me when I return to You with the wounds of my shame.  You are my love, my light, my hope.  I praise You and hope that I never am able to give You 100% of me only because my capacity to love continues to grow and I never reach my limit, though I strive to continually with all my might.  Help me to glorify You in all that I do!  I love You!

Learning to Love

Today I am thankful for:  an new day, reading the Bible with my kids and talking about God's amazing love, candy canes, water, hot tea, my son telling me he could love with me for hours and likes the feel of my face & puffy cheeks, Madi telling me her dance teacher is Miss Broccoli (instead of Miss Tiffany) and that she's green with branches and leaves, warm sun, my hubby's voice.

I am simply overwhelmed tonight by God's goodness!  Today has been a little tough at times; we've been dealing with my dad's declining health for a while, now, but today it kind of hit me...this man could die and die soon.  I don't pretend to know the mind of our God and I'm so thankful He is unsearchable--who wants to serve a god that can be figured out easily or at all? But I've had to wonder at the plan He has when it just seems that event after event takes place to knock my family down.  I'm thankful that each death and trial has brought me closer to Him and helped me to have more hope and more faith.  But now that it comes to my own father I'm left feeling helpless.

So last night I knew that I could pray, had to pray, and that's what I've been doing all day.  My thoughts have been on God and on my dad all throughout the day.  I know I'm not the only one, either.  And the emotions that I have swirling around in my heart for this man are so loaded and complicated; but I'm his daughter, he CHOSE me to be his own and I love him for that alone.  I want, more than anything, for my dad to experience real JOY before he departs this earth; I want to be assured that he will be in heaven one day to meet me.  I have to say, it's a real helpless feeling--visceral, even--to know that he alone has to make that choice.  So while I'm praying for healing and restoration and stamina, I'm also praying for spiritual healing and renewal that only my Heavenly Father can extend to my earthly father.  So every scare we have is more to me than just a health scare or fear that "this is it"--it's a fear that I will never, ever see my dad again in this life or the next.

The man is stubborn, more so than any other human being I know, but no one is more persistent than my God.  I cannot dictate to God when enough is enough, I cannot decide for Him that my dad is beyond hope in spiritual matters.  I am so thankful for that!  So I will continue to pray for my dad that God reveals Himself to him in a mighty and real way during this crisis.  I will continue to lift him up and know that my God hears and knows and has a purpose in all things.  Tonight my dad has improved some, and I cannot tell you the relief that has flooded me.  I've learned that because of my relationship with my Abba Father, I have learned to love my dad in a better way; I've learned to forget past hurts and wrongs and see him as my God sees him.  And for whatever time he has left of this earth, I will be praying for his salvation and the chance to share in his truest joy.

Lord Jesus, I'm out of words.  I've been praying so long I just don't have the vocabulary left in me to express my brokenness over my dad's spiritual and mental and physical condition.  You know his needs, You know our family's needs, and You are a God of comfort and compassion.  I thank You that You are so faithful in hearing our pleas and answering us. Help us to be patient and to LISTEN for You.  Bring healing that only You can provide; restore our family to a place of joy and contentment.  Give us the stamina needed to endure the trials we are in and the ones we have yet to face, and through it all draw us closer to You.  You know what we need, even when we don't; so hear my prayer, Father, and move in a mighty way so that You might be glorified.  Help me to honor You with my love and my actions and words.  Thank You for teaching me to love and to love more deeply.  Praise and glory and honor be to You alone!  In Jesus' precious name, Amen!

The Grass is Greener...Here!

Today I am thankful for: a quiet day, Darrin & Madi playing so well together all day, the blessing of watching my children play together, not sleeping well last night (my own fault and I'm hopeful I'll sleep well tonight!), my hubby finding me attractive (he's the only one that matters!), freshly bathed kiddos in jammies, cuddling my babies throughout the day, yummy and healthy food to eat!

I really shouldn't complain...really!  When I think about all the little things that drive me bonkers or frustrate me, I realize that I really have nothing to complain about and should, instead, be praising my Maker that He has blessed us so greatly!  We are so comfortable these days, as believers.  We have bibles to spare, food in excess, and lots of support around us.  So why should it be so scary to share the gospel with others or be open about our faith and beliefs?  As I read through the prophetic books I think to myself, "I'm so glad that wasn't me!"  We have loads of materials for individuals to read on their own, podcasts, radio, churches everywhere; we have family and friends to help us lick our wounds when someone's opinions cause us to feel bent out of shape.  We have (for now, anyway) federal laws that protect our right to practice our faith and share it.  What does God ask of us?  Simply to love others as He loves us; to care for the needy and build them up; to share the good news of His love and redemption; to be examples of His love in our daily living by being fair and ethical, responsible and kind; and all we have to do is admit we can do none of that without His help.  Because of the redemptive work of Jesus on that cross, there are no religious laws to pretend we can keep, no hoops to jump through.  We have already been given the gift of salvation, freedom from our pain and imperfections; we simply have to lay down our pride and say to God that we need Him, and when we do He cloaks us in love and remembers our past no more.  Is it really that frightening?  Is it really that hard to believe?  Is it really that hard to share?

Hmmm...all of this is a bit disjointed at the moment, but the heart of what I'm trying to articulate is that modern-day believers in our western culture really have a cushy job when it comes to sharing our faith.  That's not to say it's easy helping others see Truth, but comparatively we have nothing to complain about.  The prophets from the Old Testament days were tortured, killed, humiliated, shunned, and beaten for sharing God's Word--and God, Himself, spoke and revealed His glory is a myriad of ways to His people, Israel...and they still didn't want to listen!  My heart has been tugged at by the stories of these various men of God as I've read--Elijah's despair and depression, living in isolation being fed by birds (an amazing testament of God's provision and love, by the way) as nearly every other man of God was slaughtered by Jezebel; Moses, spending decades in the wilderness with a grumbling and complaining band of people, must've been so weary;   Isaiah was cut in half with a saw; Jeremiah was jailed time and again; Ezekiel was even told by God that the people wouldn't listen and would bind him in ropes, and he was made to create very visual demonstrations of God's judgments that required much physical and mental strain; Noah even witnessed the very destruction of the world!

In the New Testament we have the essence of suffering and perfect love as Jesus lives out about 33 years of absolute perfection and compassion and was beaten, mocked, and murdered for doing nothing wrong.  And after Jesus' death and resurrection when the ministry changed and it was no longer about adhering to God's laws in the same way, followers of Christ were martyred over and over for sharing about His love...LOVE!  People were dying because of their LOVE for others!  And our message today is no different than that of Paul, or John, Stephen, or Peter; Jesus loved us all, He died for us and rose again to give us life if we let go of our pride and give him our hearts.  The people of the modern world are really no different than they were 2000 years ago, either--they want to do what they want to do and they don't want anyone telling them otherwise, least of all those Christians.

There are still people all around the world who are dying, being beaten, starved, jailed, tortured, and mocked for their faith in the Living God, the God of the Bible.  And those of us in the US are worried about living out our faith because of being made fun of?  Being ridiculed or made the butt of some joke?  Being "unfriended" on a social site?  Are we really that afraid of approaching someone who's hurting and saying we care about them, offering to pray for them and telling them how Jesus makes every day worth living?  God doesn't ask us to change their minds or hearts, He doesn't expect us force them to see things "our" way.  God simply wants us to meet people where they are at and love them, show them they are valued for who they are.  He wants us to genuinely care for their pain and give them an opportunity to know joy and peace.  HE will do the inside work; His Holy Spirit will enter in and bring about the change that is so desperately needed. All we have to do is love them and plant a tiny seed of hope.

The grass really is greener where we stand today as believers.  It doesn't mean every effort we make will bear fruit, but we can stand before our Lord and say we LOVED.  We lose friends, so what?  We showed love to someone who needed to see it, to feel it.  We're made fun of in the mainstream, who cares?  God knows our hearts and we can say we cared for others and had compassion because we offered a smile, a word of encouragement, a bold act of kindness.  The world says we hate, that we're narrowminded...it hurts, but it would hurt a lot more to shove back and prove them all right.  So whatever is thrown at us, we love, love, love.  We count our blessings, praise God for His goodness, and we continue to love.

Father, it is so hard to take a stand, especially alone. Thank you for blessing me with family and friends who love You and have been the best source of encouragement in my walk with You!  Help me to step out in faith and know that You will use me and work through me if I will just show love to someone in need.  Give me eyes to see the pain and the hurt, to see the emptiness that is begging to be filled.  Help me to lay myself aside so that that one person might see You and experience Your goodness and Your love.  I praise You for the support we have in sharing our faith as Americans, that we are not alone or facing a daily life of persecution and fear.  Give me the courage I lack, Lord!  Help me to have such an overwhelming love for others that my cowardice is a non-entity!  And quiet my mind so that I can have more of You and hear Your wisdom instead of rattling on in my Christian platitudes; help me to be genuine and specific in the love I show others.  Thank You for Your faithfulness for it encourages me daily!  Praise You, Lord, for You, alone, are good and worthy of praise!  Soli Deo gloria!  In Jesus' name, Amen!

Two of Hearts

Today I am thankful for: dinner with family, meeting Cheli, naps, relaxing all afternoon with the kiddos, hearing Darrin's sweet prayer at dinner, seeing Madi in her horsie jammies, great day at Sunday school, Joel & Karen, my babies' laughter

Reading Song of Solomon...I think Josh and I have a great marriage, but there's definitely room for improvement. :o) I want more of God in my life, personally, and I most certainly want more of Him in our marriage!  I love the certainty of my husband's faith; I am so glad we are equally yoked, that we can pray together and for one another and seek the Lord in all things.  These truths are a comfort to me, but I want more. As I'm beginning to grow deeper in faith and service I want Josh coming right along with me!  I want to grow together spiritually so that we can be an even stronger unit for our children.  As we can be unclothed together physically, I desire the same transparency in all matters--especially our faith, finances, etc.  Intimacy has always been our area of struggle, and I truly desire more passion in our marriage--I want to feel MORE for my husband and hope there's never enough!  The thought I've had in mind for some time is that as we grow together in Christ--in faith and service--these needy areas of our marriage will be addressed.

Lord, please draw Josh and me together in You!  Help us to communicate more and more effectively about our faith, our concerns, and our desires.  Help us to be honest with one another and to be as committed to You as we are to each other--even more so!

A Blessed Cure

Today I am thankful for: rain!, cool weather, Darrin doing his best at belt testing, pizza for dinner, Josh's silly humor, Madi's imagination, kids being well-behaved at Kohl's, being able to buy new warm clothes for the kiddos, talking to my mom

Proverbs 12:25 "Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good work makes it glad."  How very true!  I'm a "worry wart" as my Papa always called me.  I'm definitely doing much better since I very deliberately turned ALL my anxiety over to God.  Even the smallest worry can cause me to become preoccupied to the point of affecting my other thoughts and causing distress.  But if a loved one or friend says something thoughtful or encouraging, it goes a long way towards dissolving my worry and breaks down my wall of sadness--even when I haven't noticed its presence!  I think that's why we are to be in fellowship with other believers.  If we isolate ourselves as in a depressive state, we are essentially cutting off a supply of the very best antidote.  Alone we have no one to counteract the worry and negative thoughts that are so pervasive.  But if we confess our anxieties to the Lord, cast ALL care upon Him, and the regularly fellowship with believing friends we can eradicate the diseases of anxiety and depression and live lives full of joy and hope!  And providing the same encouragement to others only adds to our joy!  Thank You, Lord, for revealing this truth to me!

On Being Diligent...

Today I am thankful for: feeling better!, Darrin's willingness to practice tkd, Madi's loving heart, Josh being Josh (I love how he makes me feel better just by being himself!), a brief conversation with my mom, a beautiful fall day, the coming rain, my son telling me he loves me forever forever forever & forever

Today I am challenged and convicted by my reading in Ecclesiastes to apply myself more to the work God has given me!  I am so blessed to be home raising my family.  I've wanted this for so long, and God even changed Josh's heart on the matter so I'm certain I'm to be home teaching my children and taking care of my husband and our home.  There are many days I'm tempted to call it quits and enroll our kids in public school because it would be easier on me to do the housework that gets so sorely neglected!  There are days I wonder why the Lord didn't gift me to keep house if this is what He's called me to.  There are times when fatigue and temper get the best of me and I wonder why I'm bothering with home education at all.  When all of this negativity and second-guessing strikes I remind myself that I MUST be doing the right thing because following God won't always be easy!  And all of these thoughts that are telling me to quit, give up, give in, stop--I know I shouldn't listen because the Holy Spirit usually speaks in the affirmative, right?  And if He is telling me no, then I would've gotten the point by now.

So in reading Ecclesiastes tonight I've come to a realization:  if God has assigned me to be a stay-at-home-mom and home educator, then if I'm applying myself with diligence, then a whole lot of my negative self-doubt should cease!  Eccl. 11:4 "He who observes the wind will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap."  I'm very guilty of letting the "what ifs" keep me from accomplishing something.  I'm l-a-z-y!  It's a sinful nature I'm so tired of and really need to give to God!  I have tried and tried, certainly, but maybe not hard enough?  Eccl. 9:10 "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going."  I owe it to God who's gifted me with a family to care for to love them and care for them with might and diligence.  When I'm gone, I'm gone; there will be no mother or wife to love, instruct, and care for them as I have done.  Should the Lord call me home sooner rather than later, the work I have done will have an enormous impact on how my family continues--will they follow the Lord in all things?  Will they keep house and care for each other?  Will they children's education continue in a manner pleasing to the Lord?  I must use the time I'm blessed with to prepare my children's hearts and minds to serve God with joy and gladness.  My husband should know my passion for him and should find rest in his home so we can enjoy time as a family when he is off work.

Dearest Lord, I come to You humbled and a bit daunted by the work You have assigned me!  I need Your help greatly!  Please give me the discipline and focus to care for my family--to nurture my husband and children, to instruct and love, to keep a clean and inviting home and be frugal and resourceful.  I know this is my calling--please guide me and strengthen me!  Help me to bring honor to You and my family!

Proverbial Wisdom

Today I am thankful for: Radiant Moms, my husband (Thank You, Lord, for keeping him safe when his car tire blew out today!), beautiful cool weather, heat! (house, car), cozy blankets, hot water, my precious kiddos' voices, having Josh home unexpectedly, fun holiday ideas to share with family

I am so thankful for the book of Proverbs.  One friend once shared with me the idea of reading one chapter of Proverbs daily each month.  I enjoyed that before and will begin again--beginning today!  I'm struck by the simplicity of the Proverbs from chapter 1 on.  God has created for us an orderly universe and a perfect design for all things.  Boy, do we muck it up!  But if we'd seek God's wisdom and understanding of His ways, we are clearly told we'd experience length of life, honor among peers, beauty (inward which may lead to outward), protection & preservation but he Lord's own hand, happiness, good health, strength, bountiful provision, riches, peace, sweet sleep, courage, passion in marriage, strong friendships--and that's only the first 7 chapters of the book (there are 31)!  How could anyone not want those things?  Sadly, our culture is so topsy-turvy in sin we think we know better than our Creator.  We think we have understanding apart from God.  Just look at the rates of adultery, fornication, divorce, debt, poor health, abuse, poverty, and so forth.  Our world is crying out for wisdom and great leadership while rejecting THE source of both!

I am so blessed to be able to be home and to be raising my children in a very hands-on manner.  One of my greatest prayers is that my children continue to grow in their fledgling faith and walk with the Lord all their days.  Right now they know the gospel and I have no doubt they love Jesus with all their hearts!  I cannot express the JOY that knowledge brings me!  I am prayerful that God will continue to strengthen me and impart His wisdom so that I can truly instruct my children in His ways.

What a blessing God's very word is to me!  Having His wisdom expressed an illustrated throughout the books is amazing.  The simplicity and beauty of the book of Proverbs is definitely nothing short of God-inspired and perfectly designed.  And having the perfect words of wisdom-incarnate in my Savior Lord Jesus makes me certain I lack for nothing in what is needed to grow and flourish as both a child of God and as a mother of two precious children of God!

Daddy, Your perfect love overwhelms me!  I'm amazed as day after day I'm able to come before You in absolute awe of what You've done for me!  The depth of Your knowledge and wisdom knows no bounds.  How comforting to know that You know me, You made me, and You gave me absolutely everything I need to live and live a life abundant in riches!  I am so thankful that I have understanding; that I know that my treasure lies in You alone, and that from You come my greatest blessings: salvation through Your Son, Jesus; my family; my gifts that allow me to serve You faithfully and with obedience so that others may know You.  Thank You for Your word which so perfectly instructs--I am not alone!  You are always with me.  Praise You, Lord!

Closer to Him (as I wrote this in a plane, tee-hee...)

Today I am thankful for: time spent with Andrea and Megan, going home to my family, rain, cool weather, the greatness of my God, my home

Thank You, Lord, for Psalm 139!!  What a beautiful psalm that sums up the thoughts and wonders within me.  God made me.  He formed every part of me!  He knew me and shaped me before I existed!  There is no where I can hide that God either won't find me or won't know my thoughts.  How comforting!  Even when I'm foolish enough to allow sin to separate me from God, He is there!  I may not see Him, but He is with me.  He knows my heart!!  Why should I not confess my transgressions?  Praise You, God, for knowing every part of me, every thought, every unspoken word!  Help me to always strive to be transparent before the Lord.  He knows me intimately, therefore I have nothing to hide.  So do not let me try!  Keep dishonesty far from me and keep me humble in my praise and genuine in my words.  It is a blessing to serve the Lord!  I pray that my faith grows continually as I strive to walk the path He has set before me.  Lord, keep me from stumbling!  Draw me closer, Lord.  Help me to stay in Your presence, always.

My Heart's Cry

Today I am thankful for: beautiful cool weather in Alameda, our lovely walk, thoughtful conversation with friends, our technology and the iPhone 4s (being able to talk to and see my family from far away!), speech therapy for Darrin, Josh's big-kid heart, snuggling Juilette and Elia, Madi's girly goofiness, Darrin's thoughtful heart as a big brother

Wow!  So many words of wisdom tonight in Psalms!  First, Psalm 111:10 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; a good understanding have all those who do His commandments. His praise endures forever."  I don't have to be an intellectual, I don't have to have gone to bible college, and I don't have to be a spiritual "somebody" to understand God and His scripture.  I just have to "fear" Him!  I have to know He is God, know He is just and faithful and awesome!  With a foundation of faith and a respect for His holiness, I can begin to understand His ways and His word and how to apply His teachings to my life.  Next, Psalm 118 is full of little verses I've heard over the years that truly speak to my heart and give me perspective and encouragement, particularly Psalm 118: 6, 8-9, 14, 24, & 26.  But what stands out most tonight is  Psalm 119:37 "Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, and revive me in Your way."  This is my heart's cry!  More of You and less of me!  Help me, Father, to turn from idols that weigh me down and bring folly.  Correct my ways to match the path You've laid before me.  Help me to truly find strength in You alone and let  Your word be the water to my thirsty soul.  Let me learn from Your correction and keep my eyes focused on You so that I might not sin!

Love Notes

Today I am thankful for: good friends, clean floors, a clean kitchen, Madi enjoying dance, Darrin being helpful and loving, Madi doing her chores with a glad heart, sharing dinner with Megan, making it safely to Andrea's, Josh being a great daddy!

I am thankful the Lord has opened the eyes of my heart to see His glory all around me!  I see His glory in the clouds, the sun, the stars,  I feel His glory in crisp fall air and the rush of the wind.  I hear His glory in the songs of the birds and my children's laughter.  I smell His glory in the scent of cinnamon, the warmth of vanilla, the cleanness of the rain.  I can taste His glory in a ripe red strawberry or a chocolate treat.  There is so much of our world that bombards our senses every day!  I am forever grateful that I can see His perfection in the smallest thing and be reminded of His power and majesty.  Our God is amazing and I'm so blessed to have a faith that allows me to experience Him daily.  I'm never far from my Lord when I stop to remember all the little love notes He's left to me.  His Spirit speaks to me in subtle ways--I just need to be aware!  Speak to my heart, Oh God! Show me Your beauty!  Cause me to wonder and marvel at Your greatness so that I never lose sight of You!  I want to be in Your presence for eternity, worshiping You and bringing glory to Your name!

Praise Him, Praise Him All Ye Little Children!

Today I am thankful for: cool night air, my children's laughter and joy, Darrin having a good day at tkd, Madi eating well, cooler weather coming, Josh skipping WOW last night to spend time with me

I just began Book 4 of Psalms and it is so uplifting!  Each psalm has been a beautiful cry to the Lord praising Him for His awesome power, His creation, His holiness and goodness, etc.  Our God is awesome!  Tonight during dinner the kids and I were listening to praise music and we had a wonderful little discussion about praising God.  I love seeing them love Him and worship Him!  I love hearing them express their love for Him in their own little ways.  Their words are so pure, so genuine, and though they may not always make the most sense I know that their hearts are praising Him to the fullest the best they know how!  It gives me such joy to see my children growing in faith and love for the Lord.  I can only imagine they joy HE feels seeing them and hearing them. Oh, I pray we are teaching them and nurturing them in the right way!  I pray that their foundation in God will be firm and that they'll not stray form His guidance as they grow older, but instead they'll draw nearer to Him.

Thank You, Lord, for these precious children!  Josh and I are so blessed to be their parents!  Help us to be examples of Christian living that encourage them to turn to You and follow Your path and not walk away.  We give them to You for they will always be Yours!

Letting Go

Today I am thankful for: yummy food, cuddling with my kiddos, snuggling with my hubby, beautiful weather, fluffy pillows, ceiling fans, a good (& well-needed!) nap, Darrin & Madi playing so well together, snickerdoodles!

Psalm 62:8 "Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."

Psalm 62:5 "My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him."

These 2 verses touched me today in reading.  Ever since I gave God my worry and self-control (a whole 3 days ago, lol!) I have felt better, lighter.  I notice that my joy seems fuller!  I'm not obsessing over my health, and I have hope that everything will work out--especially according to God's will.  These 2 verses really resonated with me.  The first one, Psalm 62:8 reminds me to trust in HIM--not myself--at ALL times.  And I love how it says to "pour out your heart before Him."  He knows our hearts, but how special that He still wants me to share what's in my heart with Him!  He patiently and lovingly waits to listen and minister to ME!  The second verse I noted, Psalm 62:5, gives me peace.  I will be silent--CONTENT--to wait on the Lord.  My hope and my trust are in Him alone!  From God my Father will I find peace and healing; in His time and in His way.  My expectation is from Him!  I'm going to stop guessing and trying to "put words in His mouth" for myself.  He is wise and great, and He loves me!  That is enough!