Queen of Humility

Today I am thankful for:  Josh being home all day!, Radiant Moms, meeting Becky at RM and clicking well, the ladies at my table today, a nap with my girl, a lazy afternoon, watching Madi brush her own hair, listening to Darrin name various patterns over and over again, a heart overflowing with joy.

Ezekiel 28:17 "Your heart was lifted up because of your beauty; you corrupted your wisdom for the sake of your splendor..."  Here Ezekiel is lamenting the fall of the King of Tyre.  God favored the king, and his kingdom was blessed with strength and wealth.  But because of his many blessings, the king began to see himself as a god.  God ultimately proclaimed destruction upon Tyre and its king as an example to surrounding nations that HE in fact is God, not lowly earthly royalty.

I'm no queen, and I don't pretend to be royalty of any earthly sort.  But this one little verse had me thinking.  How often do we lift ourselves up in our own eyes due to some favor shown to us?  It feels good to be complimented and it's great to have that encouragement.  But how often do we allow it to corrupt our thinking or our motives?  How do we prevent it?  When God blesses us abundantly do we take it for granted and see ourselves as better than others?  I sure hope not!  But just that smug way of thinking can creep in so silently.  I notice this about myself, particularly that I make quick, unfounded, and silent judgments against people out in public.  It happens so fast!  I've been very careful to silently rebuke my thoughts and ask God to help me see with His loving eyes and not my own clouded ones.

Sometimes we start out with pure motives, such as helping someone or taking on a project or service, and we aim to glorify God.  Yet a bit down the road we perhaps are encouraged by our good deeds and feel great for what's been accomplished, and before you know it we are glorifying ourselves and seeking for acknowledgment from others regarding our work.  We may even state to a friend that it would be nice to hear a "thank you" or get that bonus, and we may begin to resent the accolades others are given.  So, when did it become about us?  There was probably never a conscious thought given to seeking that glory, that reward, yet it happened just the same.  We get our noses bent out of shape when someone else gets what we want, even when that person is just as deserving, perhaps even moreso.  Is that really the way we should be living?

I believe it all has to do with our focus.  If we focus on ourselves then we can only see what's in front of us; we see what we want to see and not what we don't.  This includes seeing only the good things we do and not the undesirable qualities we may have attained along the way.  But if we shift focus and place it where it needs to be--on Him, alone--our vision suddenly improves!  We can see all around us and see others' needs.  We begin to see with eyes of love and search out where we can be most helpful.  Our reward becomes the smiles, the tears, the private knowledge of having served our God in something bigger than ourselves.  The joy that abounds in our hearts becomes the best acknowledgement--we know what work we did, and our Father in heaven knows, too.  Then, it doesn't matter who says "thank you" or forgets, it doesn't matter if we get a pat on the back or raised up in status to a new role or job.  We can be content in knowing that we served Him--not ourselves.

Father God, help me to lift up my eyes, not my heart.  Help me to honor You in the roles You have placed me; help me to be an extension of Your love to those I work with directly and indirectly.  I pray that I would be humbled to the point of feeling embarrassment if someone speaks well of me and raises my status before me.  I do not want to be wise in my own eyes!  Though I seek approval and encouragement, let it be for accountability's sake to help me represent myself and my faith in a genuine light.  I praise You for all the opportunities You've set before me, and I pray You help me discern Your will so that I might stay on the path You've chosen for me.  Help me to reach others in Your name, and help me to reach them even without knowledge of having done so so that I might not be tempted to be proud. Help me always to be humble!  Thank You for Your faithfulness and the goodness You have shown me!  In Your name, Amen!

A Wise Friend

Today I am thankful for: Darrin feeling better (nursing a sick boy meant no post yesterday), getting all my prep done for Radiant Moms tomorrow, yummy dinner, my hubby, Madi's sweet scent, an awesome church service (even though I watched online), worship music, joy in the Lord!

Today Pastor Chuck delivered an incredibly hope-filled sermon on freedom.  He is beginning a new series called "Jubilee" and kicked things off today with an overview of the series and the basics of having freedom from all sorts of woe.  I know that it's easy as a believer to tune in and agree with what the pastor is saying--we obviously have the same outlook on things since we are Christ-centered in the way we live our lives.  Not everyone agrees, however; many believers are still caught up in themselves.  Though they may have made heart-felt commitments to Christ in the past, they have continued to live for themselves as though they're just waiting for God to make it all better rather than radically changing their focus heavenward and seeking for God to show them how to live.  But today's message was a wonderful reminder of the power and wisdom of God and how simply submitting to Him can bring freedom from the bonds of this earthly life.

I read Proverbs daily.  I love beginning my quiet time with the divine wisdom of the book of Proverbs.  I love committing the words to heart and really meditating on the messages and lessons shared by the authors.  There is so much encouragement and conviction there, and it keeps me in check with my focus and my attitude towards so many daily things--my work, parenting, interacting with others, etc.  I also love that, as I read other books of the Bible, I see these bits of wisdom being illustrated--either in good ways or bad ways.  And all of the themes are the same:  God is wisdom, following God's ways is life, choosing all else is death.  Could it be more simple?!  Maybe it's just my own gift of faith that I can rely so heavily on my Lord and His wisdom, and maybe that's why things seem so clear to me.  I just wonder why the rest of humanity apart from (and even within!) Christianity struggles and suffers and refuses to see what I do; when you follow Him, things just go more smoothly.  That doesn't mean there won't be trials and times of trouble--that is how we are tested and refined and made stronger--but it seems that, overall, our interactions and choices work out for the better when we follow God's wisdom.

This is what Pastor Chuck shared today.  He had some really wonderful examples and illustrations of God's wisdom and why it's still relevant today.  I gave my hi-lighter a workout as he taught this morning!  And I'm left wondering just how many people will get it; how many will really listen and realize that God is simply calling us to trust and obey because He loves us and wants what's best for us?  When I sat down tonight to read in Proverbs, everything I recalled from this morning was affirmed.  I read chapter 8 tonight which is all about Wisdom.  Proverbs 8:6 says "Listen, for I will speak of excellent things, and from the opening of my lips will come right things."  For those who will listen, "wisdom" only gives truth and good advice!  Everything that "wisdom" has to share with us is for our benefit, to give us life to the fullest; "wisdom" only comes from God alone.  Proverbs 8:22-23 "The Lord possessed me (wisdom) at the beginning of His way, before His works of old.  I have been established from everlasting, from the beginning, before there was ever an earth."  God is the only being that existed before all else; He is I Am as well as Alpha and Omega.  So if wisdom was there before the foundation of the earth than it must be from God; this tells us that our God is a God of wisdom, that wisdom is a major attribute of our Lord.  Our God created everything in His infinite wisdom and urges us over and over to rely on His wisdom alone to live our lives.  How can I argue with that?

I know not everyone would agree with me, with my Pastor, with God and His word.  I know that many won't even agree that there is a God to be writing about.  But if He isn't real, if His wisdom is archaic and not relevant to today's society, I still have nothing to lose by following it.  From what I've read in the Bible, nothing God ever said was a trick or meant to cause harm to those who obeyed Him.  And there is much evidence that obedience brought blessing upon blessing!  I am incredibly blessed.  I know I obeyed God when I didn't understand, when I really didn't do it consciously with a specific goal of being obedient for His glory.  I obeyed out of faith without even much focus on Him at times in my youth, and I can look back and see His guiding hand and the fruit of His blessing on my life.  And now that I stand in a much stronger relationship with Him, urgently seeking Him all day, every day, I am seeing even stronger evidence of His presence and blessing because of my obedience and trust.  Is He real?  Is His wisdom outdated?  I say no to both, but if I'm wrong I sure like being wrong!

Abba Father, thank You for the gift of faith!  I thank You that I've been able to experience Your blessing even when I wasn't intimately seeking You, when I was obeying out of an immature faith.  I don't want to live life "waiting for the other shoe to drop" since it seems like we've weathered the storms of life so well; I just want to rejoice in You, praising You for your mercy and grace, Your unfailing love and the comfort that Your Spirit gives when I'm in need.  I know that I am no better than anyone else in this world, nor am I more "holy" or loved by You.  I stand in awe of the blessings You've so freely given to me, to my family; we are unworthy of such lavish affection!  I thank You for eyes that are able to see Your hand and know Your goodness even when our situation seems bleak.  I don't think our lives are any more blessed than the average person, I think we are just able to praise You when they don't; to thank You when they ask "why me."  It is by Your grace that we can stand in Your presence daily and know that You are life; You are the reason we wake, we breathe, we plan for a future!  I pray that You help us to lean only Your wisdom as we daily live.  Be our sole focus, our anchor; I pray that every decision we make finds us turning to You for an answer.  I know You are good, I know You are holy, and I know that I deserve nothing for I am nothing without You; yet You bless us if we just trust You and obey.  Thank You, merciful Lord!  Help me to remain obedient to You always as You said You would!  In Your precious name, Amen.

(Just a brief plug here for anyone who might read this--we attend Crossroads Christian Church led by Pastor Chuck Booher.  It is an amazing place to worship, diverse and beautiful as a congregation, dynamic in all ways and completely genuine in service and faith to God.  You can watch the weekly sermons online nearly anytime by visiting the church website and clicking near the top on the "media" tab (sermon notes and videos are listed by date and title), and you can watch live on Sundays by clicking on the online campus button at the top.  If you are every in the area, the experience is awesome so come by!)

Turn and Live

Today I am thankful for: Darrin doing well meeting his goals at speech, reading stories to Moo in the waiting room at Lucid, being able to help out at produce day for our co-op, fresh fruits and veggies, the kids having fun at the park, visiting with Kary, enjoying dinner at home with my family, my babies' smiles, kisses from my hubby.

I'm reading in Ezekiel and came to chapter 18 tonight.  It made me think.  I've long pondered things such as what the lukewarm church would look like and where it would come from; I've begun to notice the past few years that it is forming right now here in America, also around the world.  It seems that so many churches are compromising the integrity of their faith by becoming "tolerant" and expanding their views, adding interpretation to biblical truths that shouldn't require any.  It's really frightening and disheartening to witness.  No one wants to think about people going to hell, but to broaden your congregation by tolerating certain sins as acceptable or saying that all roads lead to God and heaven doesn't save anyone from a rather warm fate, least of all the church leaders encouraging their wannabe saints.

Church is definitely a place for the broken.  God doesn't call only "good" or righteous people to His fold--in fact we are told that none of us is good, that Jesus Himself is the only truly good person to walk the earth.  Believers should be welcoming people from all walks of life to join each Sunday in a great sinners' convention meeting--for when it comes down to it, we are all the same.  Each of us is a sinner, no one better or worse that another.  Some might be in a better place of admitting their sin and choosing to love God and please Him, thereby appearing to be "better" or "nicer" than others.  Some might be lost and broken, complete messes wandering in society or maybe even incarcerated.  But at the heart of it all, we are ALL sinners, broken by choices to please ourselves and left with God-sized holes in our hearts.

The problem with society, especially in America, is that we want to qualify ourselves--well, at least I don't smoke, or I've never killed anyone, or I don't steal, or I don't let my children watch t.v all day long, I don't, I don't, I don't.  Our "I don'ts" don't mean much to God because when we are too busy looking around at others to compare ourselves with we take our eyes off Him.  We forget that Jesus is the standard, HE is the mark by which we are all judged.  And what does "sin" mean?  It means to miss the mark.  Sin isn't just about doing wrong things, it's about not doing the right things.  So there thousands of church-goers warming pews each week, patting themselves on the back for being "Christian" because they give money and sit quietly and get through the week without harming anyone; they aren't doing anything wrong.  But what aren't they doing right?

This, I believe is the foundation of the lukewarm church.  People have lost touch with God and are more concerned about what people think, about keeping up appearances.  God doesn't care what you look like; He sees your heart.  These people are probably so deluded by being what a Christian isn't, that they have forgotten what being a Christian is.  This bring me back to my opening paragraph.  God laid out His statutes so plainly for His people that there was no excuse not to follow them.  They weren't easy, but they had a purpose.  Once Jesus came and died for our sins then conquered death through His resurrection, we simply had to choose to love Him and grow to be more like Him in all ways...ALL ways.  You can't claim to be a follower of Christ and not love, but you also can't ignore the things He spoke against.  People today don't want to say "no" to anything; they are afraid of standing for something and saying it's wrong--it's just so much easier to say that everything is right as long as no one gets hurt!  They claim that God is unfair and a "loving God" wouldn't condemn people to hell just for disagreeing with Him.

God is holy..HOLY.  He created the world, so I think He has a right to dictate it's rules to keep things in order.  He gave us free will to make our own choices, though He wants us to choose to love Him.  If we were forced to love Him, then that wouldn't really be love at all, right?  The fact is, God doesn't necessarily send us to hell, but we choose to go there by rejecting Him and disobeying Him.  Parents often tell their children that there are consequences to their actions, and that when a negative consequence ensues the child, in effect, "chose" it; afterall, the parents set the rules and they are pretty clear.  If you want happy consequences, do this; negative consequences, do that.  Society isn't any different, and when someone breaks a law we generally are pretty unsympathetic; he knew what he was doing, right?  He knew what would happen!  God tells us the same thing.  Ezekiel 18:25-29 "Yet you say, 'The way of the Lord is not fair.' Hear now, O house of Israel, is it not My way which is fair, and your ways which are not fair? When a righteous man turns away from his righteousness, commits iniquity, and dies in it, it is because of the iniquity which he has done that he dies.  Again, when a wicked man turns away from the wickedness which he committed, and does what is lawful and right, he preserves himself alive.  Because he considers and turns away from all the transgressions which he committed, he shall surely live; he shall not die.  Yet the house of Israel says, 'The way of the Lord is not fair.'  O house of Israel, is it not My ways which are fair, and your ways which are not fair?"

God isn't hard and unyielding, He's holy and the epitome of integrity.  He set a standard we can't meet, but He pours out grace upon us and has made a way for us to have a reward we don't deserve.  The beautiful thing is that He loves us and wants us to choose Him!  He gave us a choice, but He certainly has a preference for what choice we make.  I know my God is a God of love because He set boundaries for us, clear expectations for living.  And, like our earthly parents, He corrects us for our own good when we go astray.  When parents say "this hurts me more than it hurts you" it's really true; it hurts to be disrespected and disobeyed by someone you would give your life for, and it hurts to have to inflict pain upon that person even though she deserves it as a consequence of her actions.  God said something similar to Ezekiel: "'Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, every one according to his ways,' says the Lord God. 'Repent, and turn from all your transgressions, so that iniquity will not be your ruin. Cast away from you all the transgressions which you have committed, and get yourselves a new heart and a new spirit.  For why should you die, O house of Israel?  For I have no pleasure in the death of one who dies,' says the Lord God.  'Therefore turn and live!'" (Ezekiel 18:30-32)


Father God, I thank You that I was taught of Your great love for me, that the fear I have for You is out of respect and not pain.  I am so thankful that I turned away from my transgressions and chose life over death!  Thank You for every person You set in my path that showed me the meaning of love by accepting who I was and teaching me how to reconcile that with Your plan for me.  You made me!  You created every aspect of my very being, and it is so amazing to finally be realizing my purpose, though I won't understand everything all at once.  For now it is enough to know that I can rejoice in my own self because You made me; I can have joy in reaching my full potential because I desire to glorify You.  Help me to focus on what You WANT me to be, and not on what You don't want me to be.  By being more like You I will be able to let go of those things that are undesirable.  Help me to love others with Your compassion and Your intensity.  Help me to show them their value and accept them where they are and however they are so that the door is opened for Your Holy Spirit to do It's transforming work!  Break my heart for what breaks Your own heart, Jesus!  And please help me to act on that love.  Thank You for Your amazing grace.  Praise be to You alone!  In Jesus' name, Amen!

A Love Like No Other

Today I am thankful for: hearing my daughter beg me for her schoolwork, both kiddos eating great at their meal times, how well my babies play with other kiddos they don't know, watching Madi at dance, they way Darrin's imagination is growing and growing in his playtime, being able to talk to my mom, knowing God hears my prayers and answers them, being able to keep in touch with my hubby throughout the day, the men who've gone to visit my dad and pray with him.

Tonight I read Ezekiel 16 and was really struck by the imagery used to describe God's relationship with Israel.  Israel is depicted as an unwanted baby girl tossed into a field to die of exposure, her umbilical cord still attached and not even cleaned from birth.  She was so despised by her parents she was immediately discarded!  But God came along and rescued her and caused her to thrive; as she grew she became very beautiful.  Later they are joined in a covenant like marriage and He bathed her and anointed her and adorned her from head to foot in fine linen, sandals, and jewels; she is described as "exceedingly beautiful" and her fame spread out to other nations "for [your beauty] was perfect through My splendor which I had bestowed on you" (Ezekiel 16:14).

We are nothing without God!  We are weak and helpless, dirty and without hope.  God is there waiting--He sees us!--and He wants to clean us up and breathe life into us; He wants us to thrive and become exceedingly beautiful!  What do we need to do to earn a love like that?  Nothing!  We need to accept that He loves us and pledge our love to Him in return--that's all!  But there's more...

"But you trusted in your own beauty, played the harlot because of your fame, and poured out your harlotry on everyone passing by who would have it." (Ezekiel 16:15) How often do we go through a period of blessing and forget that our blessings are not our own but from our Lord?  We begin to relax and think we are invincible; we begin to fall into sinful habits that are ultimately destructive to ourselves and our relationships with others.  We give into our own wantonness and become consumed with self-gratification and selfishness.  There is really no particular reason why we walk away from God; He hasn't done anything to cause it.  The fault lies entirely with us.  Israel began to form alliances with other countries for protection when God had promised her everything--she had no need of protection or goods from others for He had provided in abundance.  She was simply choosing to disobey God's law.

When we begin to trust in ourselves and turn away from God, we may feel as though things are under control and we aren't doing anything wrong.  But before long, we begin to feel that separation from God; an emptiness grows and we look for things to fill it with.  Ezekiel 16:32 "You are an adulterous wife who takes strangers instead of her husband."  Because we do not feel close to God we may feel ashamed and hide from Him; we continue to justify our actions and venture further down a lonely, rocky path.  We make ourselves vulnerable to others, to our chosen vices.  All of a sudden we realize we are out of control, at the mercy of whatever comes our way.  We lack the strength to fend off attacks; we are broken and humiliated. Israel was invaded and attacked by those she sought alliances with, those who had traded with her and promised to protect her.

According to old testament law, adultery was punishable by stoning.  An unfaithful wife deserved to be humiliated, degraded in public and stoned to death for breaking her covenant with her husband.  We suffer the consequences of our actions.  God is holy and righteous, yet He loves us unconditionally.  That doesn't mean we aren't ever punished; Proverbs 3:11-12 says "My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor detest His correction; For whom the Lord loves, he corrects, just as a father the son in whom he delights."  Israel broke it's covenant with God and forsook Him over and over and over again.  God was justifiably angry with His people and brought punishment on Israel for its sin, but He also yearned for them to see the folly of their ways and return to Him.  When they did, He forgot the past and poured out His blessing upon them once more.  Ezekiel 16:60 "Nevertheless I will remember My covenant with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish and everlasting covenant with you."

How many spouses are able to move through the anger and hurt to a place where they can extend grace to the partner that committed adultery?  How many marriages reconcile and seek healing after a breach of vows?  How many people can look past the pain to the One who can bring healing and learn to forgive?  We are so stubborn and prideful!  If we can just get over ourselves and see that it isn't about "us" we see that our Creator, our Savior us standing there with arms wide open waiting to take us back!  He wants to be with us!  He isn't waiting to rub our noses in our messes.  He isn't going to throw our mistakes in our faces every so often just to shame us into being faithful to Him.  He pours His grace over us and lavishes us with love causing our dirty, broken selves to be whole and beautiful once more.  He wants our eyes to look forward with hope and trust, not backward with guilt and shame.

I'm currently reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan--and I highly recommend it, even though I'm not even halfway through.  As I read earlier tonight the following passage really hit home with me:

A Strange Inheritance

The very fact that a holy, eternal, all-knowing, all-powerful, merciful, fair, and just God loves you and me is nothing short of astonishing.

     The wildest part is that Jesus doesn't have to love us.  His being is utterly complete and perfect, apart from humanity.  He doesn't need me or you.  Yet He wants us, chooses us, even considers us His inheritance (Eph. 1:18).  The greatest knowledge we can ever have is knowing God treasures us.

     That really is amazing beyond description.  The holy Creator sees you as His "glorious inheritance."

     The irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don't really want Him most of the time.  He treasures us and anticipates our departure from this earth to be with Him--and we wonder, indifferently, how much we have to do for Him to get by.

God's greatest gift to us was His Son, Jesus.  His second greatest gift is His very word, the Bible.  If we are honest and read through it, it's nearly impossible to ignore the goodness and faithfulness of our loving God.  If we keep our minds and hearts open to His words, we'll find He's speaking directly to us telling us time and again that it doesn't matter how much we mess up; He created us and loves us and wants us to be with Him.  He sent His son to bear the weight of our sins because our human frailty could never be subjected to the punishment we are due.  He loves us that much!!  We are adulterous wives, deserving of degradation and death, and yet He wants to clean us up, build us up, and continue with us in an everlasting covenant.  Where else are we going to find a love like that?

Father, thank You for loving me!  Thank You for being my Rock, for standing firm when I'm caught up in the tide.  It is so amazing that You love me despite my faults and weaknesses.  You know me better than even I do for You formed me and knew me even before conception.  You knew my mistakes before I made them, and yet you brought me life and loved me anyway.  Help me to see myself through Your eyes so that I might see my value and yearn to please You and never hide myself from You.  Thank You for correcting me when I begin to go astray so that I remember to look back and see You and run to You.  Thank You for wanting me whole and unhurt, and thank You for healing me when I return to You with the wounds of my shame.  You are my love, my light, my hope.  I praise You and hope that I never am able to give You 100% of me only because my capacity to love continues to grow and I never reach my limit, though I strive to continually with all my might.  Help me to glorify You in all that I do!  I love You!

Learning to Love

Today I am thankful for:  an new day, reading the Bible with my kids and talking about God's amazing love, candy canes, water, hot tea, my son telling me he could love with me for hours and likes the feel of my face & puffy cheeks, Madi telling me her dance teacher is Miss Broccoli (instead of Miss Tiffany) and that she's green with branches and leaves, warm sun, my hubby's voice.

I am simply overwhelmed tonight by God's goodness!  Today has been a little tough at times; we've been dealing with my dad's declining health for a while, now, but today it kind of hit me...this man could die and die soon.  I don't pretend to know the mind of our God and I'm so thankful He is unsearchable--who wants to serve a god that can be figured out easily or at all? But I've had to wonder at the plan He has when it just seems that event after event takes place to knock my family down.  I'm thankful that each death and trial has brought me closer to Him and helped me to have more hope and more faith.  But now that it comes to my own father I'm left feeling helpless.

So last night I knew that I could pray, had to pray, and that's what I've been doing all day.  My thoughts have been on God and on my dad all throughout the day.  I know I'm not the only one, either.  And the emotions that I have swirling around in my heart for this man are so loaded and complicated; but I'm his daughter, he CHOSE me to be his own and I love him for that alone.  I want, more than anything, for my dad to experience real JOY before he departs this earth; I want to be assured that he will be in heaven one day to meet me.  I have to say, it's a real helpless feeling--visceral, even--to know that he alone has to make that choice.  So while I'm praying for healing and restoration and stamina, I'm also praying for spiritual healing and renewal that only my Heavenly Father can extend to my earthly father.  So every scare we have is more to me than just a health scare or fear that "this is it"--it's a fear that I will never, ever see my dad again in this life or the next.

The man is stubborn, more so than any other human being I know, but no one is more persistent than my God.  I cannot dictate to God when enough is enough, I cannot decide for Him that my dad is beyond hope in spiritual matters.  I am so thankful for that!  So I will continue to pray for my dad that God reveals Himself to him in a mighty and real way during this crisis.  I will continue to lift him up and know that my God hears and knows and has a purpose in all things.  Tonight my dad has improved some, and I cannot tell you the relief that has flooded me.  I've learned that because of my relationship with my Abba Father, I have learned to love my dad in a better way; I've learned to forget past hurts and wrongs and see him as my God sees him.  And for whatever time he has left of this earth, I will be praying for his salvation and the chance to share in his truest joy.

Lord Jesus, I'm out of words.  I've been praying so long I just don't have the vocabulary left in me to express my brokenness over my dad's spiritual and mental and physical condition.  You know his needs, You know our family's needs, and You are a God of comfort and compassion.  I thank You that You are so faithful in hearing our pleas and answering us. Help us to be patient and to LISTEN for You.  Bring healing that only You can provide; restore our family to a place of joy and contentment.  Give us the stamina needed to endure the trials we are in and the ones we have yet to face, and through it all draw us closer to You.  You know what we need, even when we don't; so hear my prayer, Father, and move in a mighty way so that You might be glorified.  Help me to honor You with my love and my actions and words.  Thank You for teaching me to love and to love more deeply.  Praise and glory and honor be to You alone!  In Jesus' precious name, Amen!

Lesson Learned

Today I am thankful for:  being needed at 5:15 am by my baby girl who had a bad dream, Darrin showing improvement at tkd, starting back up with our homeschool morning after our Christmas break, praying with my children, all the deep questions my son asked today about "redemption" and "sacrifice," hot cocoa with marshmallows, Madi being so excited over produce on her plate, Josh being home for dinner, the satisfied silence that falls on the house once the children are in bed.

I'm really having trouble focusing tonight, so I apologize in advance for the words I write.  I'm exhausted as poor sleep has plagued me once more the past two nights.  On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst sleep possible, these nights have been an 8, I'd say.  So though I'm really dragging, I've realized something helpful.  I have a problem with worry.  Now, this is nothing new, lol!  I've been treated for anxiety and depression for years and been alternately ashamed, defensive, and glowing about my trials and treatments.  Yet at the core of being a believer, my diagnosis has bothered me.  I truly haven't always been worrying, have I?  I'm just a victim of something, right?  I mean, it's a sin to worry when God tells me there's nothing to worry about, and I don't think I'm worrying about anything, really!  Much....

So a few months ago as I sought treatment AGAIN, God told me to stop.  He told me to stop taking my meds (I had only been on them a couple of weeks) and trust Him.  That's when I really began to consider that I hadn't every truly turned over ALL anxieties to Him, even though I swore to myself and anyone who'd listen that I had.  I got really honest before God and confessed any possible worries to Him that I'd held on to--justifying them as something other than worry--and something incredible happened...I began to sleep!  I went from waking several times a night (at best) to maybe only a few, and my sleep stretched from 2 hours at a time to about 4-6 hours.  It hasn't become the sleep of the innocent, but so remarkable in the sudden change that I've been thrilled.  No wonder all those sleep therapies didn't work--my issue was simply anxiety,  not a sleep disorder.

Then the new year hit and my sleep crashed right into a wall.  I thought I was having too much caffeine, so I cut it out and had no luck.  How can I be so exhausted during the day only to toss and turn all night?  I think I figured it out today.  There are a few things that I've been considering lately (the past few days) that are somewhat new in my daily thinking: we started our homeschool routine again following a brief hiatus, I'm being quite conscious of meals (thinking about them constantly) and healthy choices, I'm trying to balance my daily routine to fit my workout back in, I'm stepping up into leadership in my moms group at church, and my dad is in really poor health.  These new thoughts brought back with them some old thinking that I had let go of--no matter how I wrap it, worry is worry.  Doesn't matter if it's something good or bad!  So when my heart began to pound with that familiar watery-knee feeling, I recognized that it wasn't from simply walking up the stairs after a lovely row with my 4-year-old who decided to spit out her chicken nuggets all over the floor because she didn't want to eat them...it was anxiety--panic--hitting with a glancing blow, warning me it was moving back in.

I refused to let it.

When the light dawned, I got to my knees and confessed it all immediately.  I lifted my dad up in prayer for some time since he's the only real concern I have--everything else is fluff compared to family.  Homeschool is always going to be on my mind--I'm educating my children!  But I can control the anxiety by reminding myself I'm being obedient to God's call for our family and it's what HE wants for us, so it will work out if I keep my perspective and trust Him.  Healthy eating, regular exercise...again, these are things God wants for me and if I just relax and pray for His guidance I'll begin to see the changes take shape without having to design my own unrealistic reality program.  Being in leadership at Radiant Moms..again, something I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm being called to do, and it's exciting so I have nothing to worry about!  But my dad is my dad.  No amount of worrying I do can change his health or help my mom and siblings, but there's nothing I can do period; it's out of my hands.  Even if I was 1000 miles closer to them I could do nothing.  And I have to be okay with that; I have to trust that God knows his need and He is in control.  All worry does is show selfishness and a lack of faith.

I'm so glad I can now confess that!  God has really shown me that anxiety accomplishes nothing and results in detriment to my OWN health.  I would have bristled at my own comments above but a few months ago; now I can see how I was holding on tightly to things I couldn't control.  Either that or I was simply ignoring that God is in control of it ALL.  He's got this!  I've learned that I can pray, truly come clean with my worries because God already sees them for what they are, and He is just waiting to lift my burdens.

Tonight I read Proverbs 3 which discusses the results of gaining wisdom--wisdom being what results from trusting in God completely and seeking Him in all things and learning to walk in His ways.  Proverbs 3:24 "When you lie down, you will not be afraid; yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet." My commentary on this verse says that wisdom means knowing how to avoid dangerous situations and rather pursue right relationships so that you do not lie in fear.  My own personal application of this verse is that wisdom means trusting God and letting go of dangerous and needless worry and choosing to pray and seek God's guidance to actively deal with certain situations.  If I let go of worry and trust completely in God and His mercies, I will have rest.

Heavenly Father, I'm continually turning my worries over to You for they are of no use to me!  Thank You for the very physical reminder of my sin, the anxiety that hit and reminded me that I was beginning to hoard my worries as my own.  I thank You that I can come before You wherever I am and be in Your presence and receive Your peace.  You give it so freely, I just have to ask for it!  Thank You for being so faithful in my times of need and for showing me in Your word that You always care and always have control of things.  I lift my dad up to You and ask for Your mercy upon him; reveal Yourself to him in a mighty and undeniable way!  Bring comfort to my family and stamina to endure this health crisis.  I pray for Your will to be done, and for Your goodness to shine through.  Help me to keep my mind on You so that I do not let these meaningless worries invade my thoughts and shadow Your goodness, and so that I have a constant hope and comfort in Your plan.  And Father, I ask for sweet sleep for myself and my family; Lord, please bless us with a peaceful night of restorative sleep so that we might wake refreshed and renewed in You grace.  I ask these things in Your name, Amen.

The Grass is Greener...Here!

Today I am thankful for: a quiet day, Darrin & Madi playing so well together all day, the blessing of watching my children play together, not sleeping well last night (my own fault and I'm hopeful I'll sleep well tonight!), my hubby finding me attractive (he's the only one that matters!), freshly bathed kiddos in jammies, cuddling my babies throughout the day, yummy and healthy food to eat!

I really shouldn't complain...really!  When I think about all the little things that drive me bonkers or frustrate me, I realize that I really have nothing to complain about and should, instead, be praising my Maker that He has blessed us so greatly!  We are so comfortable these days, as believers.  We have bibles to spare, food in excess, and lots of support around us.  So why should it be so scary to share the gospel with others or be open about our faith and beliefs?  As I read through the prophetic books I think to myself, "I'm so glad that wasn't me!"  We have loads of materials for individuals to read on their own, podcasts, radio, churches everywhere; we have family and friends to help us lick our wounds when someone's opinions cause us to feel bent out of shape.  We have (for now, anyway) federal laws that protect our right to practice our faith and share it.  What does God ask of us?  Simply to love others as He loves us; to care for the needy and build them up; to share the good news of His love and redemption; to be examples of His love in our daily living by being fair and ethical, responsible and kind; and all we have to do is admit we can do none of that without His help.  Because of the redemptive work of Jesus on that cross, there are no religious laws to pretend we can keep, no hoops to jump through.  We have already been given the gift of salvation, freedom from our pain and imperfections; we simply have to lay down our pride and say to God that we need Him, and when we do He cloaks us in love and remembers our past no more.  Is it really that frightening?  Is it really that hard to believe?  Is it really that hard to share?

Hmmm...all of this is a bit disjointed at the moment, but the heart of what I'm trying to articulate is that modern-day believers in our western culture really have a cushy job when it comes to sharing our faith.  That's not to say it's easy helping others see Truth, but comparatively we have nothing to complain about.  The prophets from the Old Testament days were tortured, killed, humiliated, shunned, and beaten for sharing God's Word--and God, Himself, spoke and revealed His glory is a myriad of ways to His people, Israel...and they still didn't want to listen!  My heart has been tugged at by the stories of these various men of God as I've read--Elijah's despair and depression, living in isolation being fed by birds (an amazing testament of God's provision and love, by the way) as nearly every other man of God was slaughtered by Jezebel; Moses, spending decades in the wilderness with a grumbling and complaining band of people, must've been so weary;   Isaiah was cut in half with a saw; Jeremiah was jailed time and again; Ezekiel was even told by God that the people wouldn't listen and would bind him in ropes, and he was made to create very visual demonstrations of God's judgments that required much physical and mental strain; Noah even witnessed the very destruction of the world!

In the New Testament we have the essence of suffering and perfect love as Jesus lives out about 33 years of absolute perfection and compassion and was beaten, mocked, and murdered for doing nothing wrong.  And after Jesus' death and resurrection when the ministry changed and it was no longer about adhering to God's laws in the same way, followers of Christ were martyred over and over for sharing about His love...LOVE!  People were dying because of their LOVE for others!  And our message today is no different than that of Paul, or John, Stephen, or Peter; Jesus loved us all, He died for us and rose again to give us life if we let go of our pride and give him our hearts.  The people of the modern world are really no different than they were 2000 years ago, either--they want to do what they want to do and they don't want anyone telling them otherwise, least of all those Christians.

There are still people all around the world who are dying, being beaten, starved, jailed, tortured, and mocked for their faith in the Living God, the God of the Bible.  And those of us in the US are worried about living out our faith because of being made fun of?  Being ridiculed or made the butt of some joke?  Being "unfriended" on a social site?  Are we really that afraid of approaching someone who's hurting and saying we care about them, offering to pray for them and telling them how Jesus makes every day worth living?  God doesn't ask us to change their minds or hearts, He doesn't expect us force them to see things "our" way.  God simply wants us to meet people where they are at and love them, show them they are valued for who they are.  He wants us to genuinely care for their pain and give them an opportunity to know joy and peace.  HE will do the inside work; His Holy Spirit will enter in and bring about the change that is so desperately needed. All we have to do is love them and plant a tiny seed of hope.

The grass really is greener where we stand today as believers.  It doesn't mean every effort we make will bear fruit, but we can stand before our Lord and say we LOVED.  We lose friends, so what?  We showed love to someone who needed to see it, to feel it.  We're made fun of in the mainstream, who cares?  God knows our hearts and we can say we cared for others and had compassion because we offered a smile, a word of encouragement, a bold act of kindness.  The world says we hate, that we're narrowminded...it hurts, but it would hurt a lot more to shove back and prove them all right.  So whatever is thrown at us, we love, love, love.  We count our blessings, praise God for His goodness, and we continue to love.

Father, it is so hard to take a stand, especially alone. Thank you for blessing me with family and friends who love You and have been the best source of encouragement in my walk with You!  Help me to step out in faith and know that You will use me and work through me if I will just show love to someone in need.  Give me eyes to see the pain and the hurt, to see the emptiness that is begging to be filled.  Help me to lay myself aside so that that one person might see You and experience Your goodness and Your love.  I praise You for the support we have in sharing our faith as Americans, that we are not alone or facing a daily life of persecution and fear.  Give me the courage I lack, Lord!  Help me to have such an overwhelming love for others that my cowardice is a non-entity!  And quiet my mind so that I can have more of You and hear Your wisdom instead of rattling on in my Christian platitudes; help me to be genuine and specific in the love I show others.  Thank You for Your faithfulness for it encourages me daily!  Praise You, Lord, for You, alone, are good and worthy of praise!  Soli Deo gloria!  In Jesus' name, Amen!