Today I am thankful for: being needed at 5:15 am by my baby girl who had a bad dream, Darrin showing improvement at tkd, starting back up with our homeschool morning after our Christmas break, praying with my children, all the deep questions my son asked today about "redemption" and "sacrifice," hot cocoa with marshmallows, Madi being so excited over produce on her plate, Josh being home for dinner, the satisfied silence that falls on the house once the children are in bed.
I'm really having trouble focusing tonight, so I apologize in advance for the words I write. I'm exhausted as poor sleep has plagued me once more the past two nights. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst sleep possible, these nights have been an 8, I'd say. So though I'm really dragging, I've realized something helpful. I have a problem with worry. Now, this is nothing new, lol! I've been treated for anxiety and depression for years and been alternately ashamed, defensive, and glowing about my trials and treatments. Yet at the core of being a believer, my diagnosis has bothered me. I truly haven't always been worrying, have I? I'm just a victim of something, right? I mean, it's a sin to worry when God tells me there's nothing to worry about, and I don't think I'm worrying about anything, really! Much....
So a few months ago as I sought treatment AGAIN, God told me to stop. He told me to stop taking my meds (I had only been on them a couple of weeks) and trust Him. That's when I really began to consider that I hadn't every truly turned over ALL anxieties to Him, even though I swore to myself and anyone who'd listen that I had. I got really honest before God and confessed any possible worries to Him that I'd held on to--justifying them as something other than worry--and something incredible happened...I began to sleep! I went from waking several times a night (at best) to maybe only a few, and my sleep stretched from 2 hours at a time to about 4-6 hours. It hasn't become the sleep of the innocent, but so remarkable in the sudden change that I've been thrilled. No wonder all those sleep therapies didn't work--my issue was simply anxiety, not a sleep disorder.
Then the new year hit and my sleep crashed right into a wall. I thought I was having too much caffeine, so I cut it out and had no luck. How can I be so exhausted during the day only to toss and turn all night? I think I figured it out today. There are a few things that I've been considering lately (the past few days) that are somewhat new in my daily thinking: we started our homeschool routine again following a brief hiatus, I'm being quite conscious of meals (thinking about them constantly) and healthy choices, I'm trying to balance my daily routine to fit my workout back in, I'm stepping up into leadership in my moms group at church, and my dad is in really poor health. These new thoughts brought back with them some old thinking that I had let go of--no matter how I wrap it, worry is worry. Doesn't matter if it's something good or bad! So when my heart began to pound with that familiar watery-knee feeling, I recognized that it wasn't from simply walking up the stairs after a lovely row with my 4-year-old who decided to spit out her chicken nuggets all over the floor because she didn't want to eat them...it was anxiety--panic--hitting with a glancing blow, warning me it was moving back in.
I refused to let it.
When the light dawned, I got to my knees and confessed it all immediately. I lifted my dad up in prayer for some time since he's the only real concern I have--everything else is fluff compared to family. Homeschool is always going to be on my mind--I'm educating my children! But I can control the anxiety by reminding myself I'm being obedient to God's call for our family and it's what HE wants for us, so it will work out if I keep my perspective and trust Him. Healthy eating, regular exercise...again, these are things God wants for me and if I just relax and pray for His guidance I'll begin to see the changes take shape without having to design my own unrealistic reality program. Being in leadership at Radiant Moms..again, something I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm being called to do, and it's exciting so I have nothing to worry about! But my dad is my dad. No amount of worrying I do can change his health or help my mom and siblings, but there's nothing I can do period; it's out of my hands. Even if I was 1000 miles closer to them I could do nothing. And I have to be okay with that; I have to trust that God knows his need and He is in control. All worry does is show selfishness and a lack of faith.
I'm so glad I can now confess that! God has really shown me that anxiety accomplishes nothing and results in detriment to my OWN health. I would have bristled at my own comments above but a few months ago; now I can see how I was holding on tightly to things I couldn't control. Either that or I was simply ignoring that God is in control of it ALL. He's got this! I've learned that I can pray, truly come clean with my worries because God already sees them for what they are, and He is just waiting to lift my burdens.
Tonight I read Proverbs 3 which discusses the results of gaining wisdom--wisdom being what results from trusting in God completely and seeking Him in all things and learning to walk in His ways. Proverbs 3:24 "When you lie down, you will not be afraid; yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet." My commentary on this verse says that wisdom means knowing how to avoid dangerous situations and rather pursue right relationships so that you do not lie in fear. My own personal application of this verse is that wisdom means trusting God and letting go of dangerous and needless worry and choosing to pray and seek God's guidance to actively deal with certain situations. If I let go of worry and trust completely in God and His mercies, I will have rest.
Heavenly Father, I'm continually turning my worries over to You for they are of no use to me! Thank You for the very physical reminder of my sin, the anxiety that hit and reminded me that I was beginning to hoard my worries as my own. I thank You that I can come before You wherever I am and be in Your presence and receive Your peace. You give it so freely, I just have to ask for it! Thank You for being so faithful in my times of need and for showing me in Your word that You always care and always have control of things. I lift my dad up to You and ask for Your mercy upon him; reveal Yourself to him in a mighty and undeniable way! Bring comfort to my family and stamina to endure this health crisis. I pray for Your will to be done, and for Your goodness to shine through. Help me to keep my mind on You so that I do not let these meaningless worries invade my thoughts and shadow Your goodness, and so that I have a constant hope and comfort in Your plan. And Father, I ask for sweet sleep for myself and my family; Lord, please bless us with a peaceful night of restorative sleep so that we might wake refreshed and renewed in You grace. I ask these things in Your name, Amen.
I'm really having trouble focusing tonight, so I apologize in advance for the words I write. I'm exhausted as poor sleep has plagued me once more the past two nights. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst sleep possible, these nights have been an 8, I'd say. So though I'm really dragging, I've realized something helpful. I have a problem with worry. Now, this is nothing new, lol! I've been treated for anxiety and depression for years and been alternately ashamed, defensive, and glowing about my trials and treatments. Yet at the core of being a believer, my diagnosis has bothered me. I truly haven't always been worrying, have I? I'm just a victim of something, right? I mean, it's a sin to worry when God tells me there's nothing to worry about, and I don't think I'm worrying about anything, really! Much....
So a few months ago as I sought treatment AGAIN, God told me to stop. He told me to stop taking my meds (I had only been on them a couple of weeks) and trust Him. That's when I really began to consider that I hadn't every truly turned over ALL anxieties to Him, even though I swore to myself and anyone who'd listen that I had. I got really honest before God and confessed any possible worries to Him that I'd held on to--justifying them as something other than worry--and something incredible happened...I began to sleep! I went from waking several times a night (at best) to maybe only a few, and my sleep stretched from 2 hours at a time to about 4-6 hours. It hasn't become the sleep of the innocent, but so remarkable in the sudden change that I've been thrilled. No wonder all those sleep therapies didn't work--my issue was simply anxiety, not a sleep disorder.
Then the new year hit and my sleep crashed right into a wall. I thought I was having too much caffeine, so I cut it out and had no luck. How can I be so exhausted during the day only to toss and turn all night? I think I figured it out today. There are a few things that I've been considering lately (the past few days) that are somewhat new in my daily thinking: we started our homeschool routine again following a brief hiatus, I'm being quite conscious of meals (thinking about them constantly) and healthy choices, I'm trying to balance my daily routine to fit my workout back in, I'm stepping up into leadership in my moms group at church, and my dad is in really poor health. These new thoughts brought back with them some old thinking that I had let go of--no matter how I wrap it, worry is worry. Doesn't matter if it's something good or bad! So when my heart began to pound with that familiar watery-knee feeling, I recognized that it wasn't from simply walking up the stairs after a lovely row with my 4-year-old who decided to spit out her chicken nuggets all over the floor because she didn't want to eat them...it was anxiety--panic--hitting with a glancing blow, warning me it was moving back in.
I refused to let it.
When the light dawned, I got to my knees and confessed it all immediately. I lifted my dad up in prayer for some time since he's the only real concern I have--everything else is fluff compared to family. Homeschool is always going to be on my mind--I'm educating my children! But I can control the anxiety by reminding myself I'm being obedient to God's call for our family and it's what HE wants for us, so it will work out if I keep my perspective and trust Him. Healthy eating, regular exercise...again, these are things God wants for me and if I just relax and pray for His guidance I'll begin to see the changes take shape without having to design my own unrealistic reality program. Being in leadership at Radiant Moms..again, something I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm being called to do, and it's exciting so I have nothing to worry about! But my dad is my dad. No amount of worrying I do can change his health or help my mom and siblings, but there's nothing I can do period; it's out of my hands. Even if I was 1000 miles closer to them I could do nothing. And I have to be okay with that; I have to trust that God knows his need and He is in control. All worry does is show selfishness and a lack of faith.
I'm so glad I can now confess that! God has really shown me that anxiety accomplishes nothing and results in detriment to my OWN health. I would have bristled at my own comments above but a few months ago; now I can see how I was holding on tightly to things I couldn't control. Either that or I was simply ignoring that God is in control of it ALL. He's got this! I've learned that I can pray, truly come clean with my worries because God already sees them for what they are, and He is just waiting to lift my burdens.
Tonight I read Proverbs 3 which discusses the results of gaining wisdom--wisdom being what results from trusting in God completely and seeking Him in all things and learning to walk in His ways. Proverbs 3:24 "When you lie down, you will not be afraid; yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet." My commentary on this verse says that wisdom means knowing how to avoid dangerous situations and rather pursue right relationships so that you do not lie in fear. My own personal application of this verse is that wisdom means trusting God and letting go of dangerous and needless worry and choosing to pray and seek God's guidance to actively deal with certain situations. If I let go of worry and trust completely in God and His mercies, I will have rest.
Heavenly Father, I'm continually turning my worries over to You for they are of no use to me! Thank You for the very physical reminder of my sin, the anxiety that hit and reminded me that I was beginning to hoard my worries as my own. I thank You that I can come before You wherever I am and be in Your presence and receive Your peace. You give it so freely, I just have to ask for it! Thank You for being so faithful in my times of need and for showing me in Your word that You always care and always have control of things. I lift my dad up to You and ask for Your mercy upon him; reveal Yourself to him in a mighty and undeniable way! Bring comfort to my family and stamina to endure this health crisis. I pray for Your will to be done, and for Your goodness to shine through. Help me to keep my mind on You so that I do not let these meaningless worries invade my thoughts and shadow Your goodness, and so that I have a constant hope and comfort in Your plan. And Father, I ask for sweet sleep for myself and my family; Lord, please bless us with a peaceful night of restorative sleep so that we might wake refreshed and renewed in You grace. I ask these things in Your name, Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment